When Alena was about 9 months old, we decided it was time for a little vacation. I packed up four days worth of diapers, toys, cloths and all the accessories I could fit into the trunk of my Camery and I left my sweet little girl in the loving care of her grandparents. Jonathan and I then headed to Virginia for what was supposed to be our first romantic get-away since our honeymoon.
Well about two hours into the drive, I realized that the entire trip was a bad idea. I started freaking out about leaving my baby! If it was up to me I would have turned around immediately and said forget the whole thing. Jonathan, however, was not having it and was determined to make this trip great. Well he was unsuccessful and I can honestly say it was the most miserable vacation I have ever taken. I literally cried every one of those four days.
Its not that I was worried about Alena, even at that young age she absolutely adored her grandparents and I was sure she was receiving lots of love and care. The problem was the overwhelming sense of guilt I felt for leaving. It just seemed mean to enjoy being away from my baby. I could beat myself over the head for it now, but I remember being bawled up in the bed and sobbing as I if I had forever lost the love of my life.
Well let me just say, it is four years later and thank GOD I no longer have this problem! Jonathan and I just returned from 7 days in Hawaii and the kids spent 8 days in NJ. There were some days that I had to remind myself to call and check on them, haha…I did almost feel a little guilty for that J but overall it was a much needed and much appreciated break for all four of us. Before we left, Alena and I both were counting down the days to our vacation!
Although I have only been doing this mommy thing for four years, I have learned that I am a much better me for them when I allot myself the time needed to be me for me. As mommy’s, wives, I suppose husbands, employees and etc.. there are so many things that we are required to do and often we dig ourselves into such pits of guilt if we don’t meet the expectation. I just think its important to re-evaluate whose expectation’s we are trying to meet. Life is much more pleasant for all involved when we free ourselves from the cloud of “cause I am supposed to."
This is also true for the pressure of writing this blog!!
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Against one of my living room walls is a brown wicker basket full of unimportant mini gadgets and toys. Against another wall is a bouncing black and white zebra wearing red sneakers and an orange saddle. In between my chocolate brown leather sofa and my loveseat is a white nantucket table with 4 pastel colored chairs (yellow, pink, green and blue).
Next to my kitchen table is a high chair and my visible drying rack is full of plastic sippy cups and lids. I have one section of floor kitchen cupboards band shut with a white plastic child proof safety gadget that even I, the adult, has trouble removing. The others are open because they store things like playdough, plastic jars, old measuring spoons and metal bowls.
Next to my garage door I have a wall lined up with tupperware containers. They are clear, so if you were to peek in them you would see a mini-sized canopy bed, a pink car and miniature women, I mean barbies. You would also see things like coloring books, chalk, crayons and stickers.
At any given point my bathroom toilet may very well have a shoe, light bulbs, or wash cloths in it…
Now in the dining room (the off limits room) we have a Dora tent with a long tunnel hanging off of the front. This just never made it out and simply replaced the Christmas tree that sat there two months ago.
As you can imagine, none of these items were made to match my chosen decor. However, they give my home as much character as the girls that play with them have given to my life.
Alena thinks she is a “fashion girl” and she spends her time at home literally stressing over which PJ’s to put on depending on her present play activity. IT’S A BIG DEAL! Kaitlyn, who has just learned to blow her nose doesn’t quite get it because any toy, pillow, doll baby or shirt is fair game for a good blow!
I often think I am crazy but I really think I would be bored to death if I didn’t have these little ladies giving me something to laugh at, look at and think about.
I just needed a little reminder today ;-)
Next to my kitchen table is a high chair and my visible drying rack is full of plastic sippy cups and lids. I have one section of floor kitchen cupboards band shut with a white plastic child proof safety gadget that even I, the adult, has trouble removing. The others are open because they store things like playdough, plastic jars, old measuring spoons and metal bowls.
Next to my garage door I have a wall lined up with tupperware containers. They are clear, so if you were to peek in them you would see a mini-sized canopy bed, a pink car and miniature women, I mean barbies. You would also see things like coloring books, chalk, crayons and stickers.
At any given point my bathroom toilet may very well have a shoe, light bulbs, or wash cloths in it…
Now in the dining room (the off limits room) we have a Dora tent with a long tunnel hanging off of the front. This just never made it out and simply replaced the Christmas tree that sat there two months ago.
As you can imagine, none of these items were made to match my chosen decor. However, they give my home as much character as the girls that play with them have given to my life.
Alena thinks she is a “fashion girl” and she spends her time at home literally stressing over which PJ’s to put on depending on her present play activity. IT’S A BIG DEAL! Kaitlyn, who has just learned to blow her nose doesn’t quite get it because any toy, pillow, doll baby or shirt is fair game for a good blow!
I often think I am crazy but I really think I would be bored to death if I didn’t have these little ladies giving me something to laugh at, look at and think about.
I just needed a little reminder today ;-)
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Fridge
One night last week I made a mini grocery run to Wal-Mart. Once the few bags were unpacked Jonathan stood in front of the fridge and said, “wow this is the most food our fridge has ever had.” I went behind him, looked for myself and had myself one proud moment. I knew that Jonathan was not referring to the few new additions, he was simply acknowledging, for the first time, a (my) work in progress.
I remember being a 23 year old newly wed and standing in front of my refrigerator on the verge of an emotional breakdown. It was empty and I could not figure out why. We had all the necessities: a leftover meal, milk, eggs, soda and some other basics. However when visitors came over, they always commented on how EMPTY my refrigerator was. I vividly remember checking out other’s fridges just to see what was filling up all that space. I tried to buy random things that would never get used but would fulfill the mission of “filling up the fridge.”
I cant remember when I stopped trying and there is no clear point that comes to mind of when it starting filling up on its own. It just has. If you were to ask me what is in there, I probably could not tell you, until its missing and I need to get more.
Jonathan had no idea what his most recent comment actually implied. To him it meant good food and available snacks. To me, it meant growth.
Growth is not something that you can force. Its not like you can say, oh I need A, B and C and then I have grown. We can look at others and try to imitate but the only thing that can truly foster growth is time. Not to ignore the needed efforts, however you can try and try but it won’t happen over night.
There is nothing more satisfying then having someone else bring your growth to your attention. On the opposite end, there is nothing more heartbreaking then having someone look at you, five years later, and not see any change.
Although my fridge has noticeably improved, if I open it years from now and it looks the same as it does today then I know I have a problem. Growth should not come to end.
The next time you open your “fridge”, take a really good look in there and see if you can see a change. Do you still buy the same things? Do you have lots of old things that no longer serve a purpose? Have you swapped things out and exchanged them for better products, or even thrown them out completely?
I know I am a little late for the new year thing but really as we get into this year, focus on growing. I don’t want to be old and wise. I want to be old and wiser. I am committed to filling up my fridge, my pantry and my cupboards. I want my life to be full of proud moments, when others look at areas of my life and without me saying a word, they for the first time acknowledge something different about my work in progress.
I remember being a 23 year old newly wed and standing in front of my refrigerator on the verge of an emotional breakdown. It was empty and I could not figure out why. We had all the necessities: a leftover meal, milk, eggs, soda and some other basics. However when visitors came over, they always commented on how EMPTY my refrigerator was. I vividly remember checking out other’s fridges just to see what was filling up all that space. I tried to buy random things that would never get used but would fulfill the mission of “filling up the fridge.”
I cant remember when I stopped trying and there is no clear point that comes to mind of when it starting filling up on its own. It just has. If you were to ask me what is in there, I probably could not tell you, until its missing and I need to get more.
Jonathan had no idea what his most recent comment actually implied. To him it meant good food and available snacks. To me, it meant growth.
Growth is not something that you can force. Its not like you can say, oh I need A, B and C and then I have grown. We can look at others and try to imitate but the only thing that can truly foster growth is time. Not to ignore the needed efforts, however you can try and try but it won’t happen over night.
There is nothing more satisfying then having someone else bring your growth to your attention. On the opposite end, there is nothing more heartbreaking then having someone look at you, five years later, and not see any change.
Although my fridge has noticeably improved, if I open it years from now and it looks the same as it does today then I know I have a problem. Growth should not come to end.
The next time you open your “fridge”, take a really good look in there and see if you can see a change. Do you still buy the same things? Do you have lots of old things that no longer serve a purpose? Have you swapped things out and exchanged them for better products, or even thrown them out completely?
I know I am a little late for the new year thing but really as we get into this year, focus on growing. I don’t want to be old and wise. I want to be old and wiser. I am committed to filling up my fridge, my pantry and my cupboards. I want my life to be full of proud moments, when others look at areas of my life and without me saying a word, they for the first time acknowledge something different about my work in progress.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
30 Minutes
Shhhh listen to that… do you hear it? You don’t? ME EITHER!!! I am sitting in my living room right now and the only thing I hear are my fingers stumbling over the keys on my laptop and its absolutely wonderful. The last couple of days have been eventful. So it’s nice to sit and enjoy an hour of nothingness.
Anyway about a month ago in an effort to tone up the left over baby baggage, I joined Curves...that’s right, the thirty minute female-only workout facility. It may not be a “real” gym to some but this type of controlled exercise environment is exactly what and all I need. I don’t have enough discipline to walk on a treadmill for 30 min, lift weights for 20, wrap myself around an ab roller and still make my way to an aerobics class where I don’t have enough rhythm to keep up! I won’t even get into the dealing with the annoying fitnessholics, with their matching spandex and headbands watching as novices like myself try to indiscreetly look at the pictures to see where my feet go while slowly removing the little weight knob so that the only thing I am lifting is the machine itself....
…geesh the "real gym" is just not worth it…
Besides I have been quite pleased with the results of my 30 min fast paced social gathering. Even my husband has acknowledged the muscles that have returned to my calves and he has warned me about the buffness forming in my shoulder region.
All this to say I was devastated today when I looked down at my hands to discover little red hard patches at the base of each finger. How could a thirty minute female-only workout facility give me calluses!?!
Now what I am supposed to do?
Anyway about a month ago in an effort to tone up the left over baby baggage, I joined Curves...that’s right, the thirty minute female-only workout facility. It may not be a “real” gym to some but this type of controlled exercise environment is exactly what and all I need. I don’t have enough discipline to walk on a treadmill for 30 min, lift weights for 20, wrap myself around an ab roller and still make my way to an aerobics class where I don’t have enough rhythm to keep up! I won’t even get into the dealing with the annoying fitnessholics, with their matching spandex and headbands watching as novices like myself try to indiscreetly look at the pictures to see where my feet go while slowly removing the little weight knob so that the only thing I am lifting is the machine itself....
…geesh the "real gym" is just not worth it…
Besides I have been quite pleased with the results of my 30 min fast paced social gathering. Even my husband has acknowledged the muscles that have returned to my calves and he has warned me about the buffness forming in my shoulder region.
All this to say I was devastated today when I looked down at my hands to discover little red hard patches at the base of each finger. How could a thirty minute female-only workout facility give me calluses!?!
Now what I am supposed to do?
Friday, November 30, 2007
Tester
This year Jonathan and I decided to pick up on an almost tradition and politely invite ourselves to spend Thanksgiving with some friends. (Thankfully they love us and welcomed the idea!) In order to follow all proper protocol I asked what we could bring. Although I was praying for paper products and drinks, I got rolls, whipped cream and the dessert, specifically pumpkin pie. Once I saw these items listed next to my name, I knew I would be buying all of them, especially the pie! So I simply closed the email and moved on.
Well I am not sure what happened but as Thanksgiving approached I was feeling a little bravery come on and decided I would try baking the pumpkin pie myself.
You should know I have never baked anything besides chicken…well porkchops, and that sort of thing but nothing sweet. No cakes, no cookies and definitely no pies. When I first broke the news to my husband, in an effort to keep the peace, he nonchalantly mentioned a great bakery he knows of…ha. So as the compromise I decided I would do a test bake. I went to the store and bought double the supplies. I did my test bake on Tuesday in order to have ample time to purchase the real deal if I needed to. I had to have this thing planned out just in case the tester failed. However, the tester went well, so I carefully redid my exact steps in order to prepare the one that would actually leave the house on Thursday. I was pleased and thought I was well prepared for Thanksgiving dinner with Al and Susan.
Well, I was not. I had not quite tested everything. My little three year old Alena had a few surprises in store!
When we got there we just hung out for awhile while waiting for another family to join us. Alena was in heaven. She absolutely loves Brandon (their son) and in general she just loves being around people. So she and Brandon took off playing before everyone arrived.
Once all the people and pieces arrived we decided we would eat first and then feed the kids. As we picked over turkey pieces, disciplined our husbands, spooned out mashed potatoes and passed the gravy, we began to hear tiny footsteps and feel the glares of little people. The room fell silent and we all looked up at them quietly to see what they needed.
No one spoke.
So Ken, a new face to Alena, looked up and said in his sweetest kid voice, “Hi Alena, how are you? Are you hungry?” Alena looks down at him, pauses, frowns her face and in her As-A-Matter-of-Fact voice comes out, “WHO ARE YOU?”
The entire table filled with laughter, but because I was in fact responsible for the adorable rude little creature…I begin apologizing while trying to hold back my own laughter in order to keep face with Alena.
Later on when I asked Alena why she said that, she very innocently defended her question and said “Mommy, I wanted to know his name.” This was not Alena’s only honest yet improper comment for the night. They also included “I am not dear, I am Alena.”!!
I was not angry with her and although it was unacceptable, it was quite funny. It really just made me realize how pure and honest children are. There is so much about life that they just don’t know and its up to us (parents) to not only prepare them at home but sometimes we need to actually test them out before they show up at the real deal.
Well I am not sure what happened but as Thanksgiving approached I was feeling a little bravery come on and decided I would try baking the pumpkin pie myself.
You should know I have never baked anything besides chicken…well porkchops, and that sort of thing but nothing sweet. No cakes, no cookies and definitely no pies. When I first broke the news to my husband, in an effort to keep the peace, he nonchalantly mentioned a great bakery he knows of…ha. So as the compromise I decided I would do a test bake. I went to the store and bought double the supplies. I did my test bake on Tuesday in order to have ample time to purchase the real deal if I needed to. I had to have this thing planned out just in case the tester failed. However, the tester went well, so I carefully redid my exact steps in order to prepare the one that would actually leave the house on Thursday. I was pleased and thought I was well prepared for Thanksgiving dinner with Al and Susan.
Well, I was not. I had not quite tested everything. My little three year old Alena had a few surprises in store!
When we got there we just hung out for awhile while waiting for another family to join us. Alena was in heaven. She absolutely loves Brandon (their son) and in general she just loves being around people. So she and Brandon took off playing before everyone arrived.
Once all the people and pieces arrived we decided we would eat first and then feed the kids. As we picked over turkey pieces, disciplined our husbands, spooned out mashed potatoes and passed the gravy, we began to hear tiny footsteps and feel the glares of little people. The room fell silent and we all looked up at them quietly to see what they needed.
No one spoke.
So Ken, a new face to Alena, looked up and said in his sweetest kid voice, “Hi Alena, how are you? Are you hungry?” Alena looks down at him, pauses, frowns her face and in her As-A-Matter-of-Fact voice comes out, “WHO ARE YOU?”
The entire table filled with laughter, but because I was in fact responsible for the adorable rude little creature…I begin apologizing while trying to hold back my own laughter in order to keep face with Alena.
Later on when I asked Alena why she said that, she very innocently defended her question and said “Mommy, I wanted to know his name.” This was not Alena’s only honest yet improper comment for the night. They also included “I am not dear, I am Alena.”!!
I was not angry with her and although it was unacceptable, it was quite funny. It really just made me realize how pure and honest children are. There is so much about life that they just don’t know and its up to us (parents) to not only prepare them at home but sometimes we need to actually test them out before they show up at the real deal.
Monday, September 17, 2007
City Living
It’s something about city living that I absolutely adore...
The billboard advertising last year’s movies, the yellow sign with bold black letters reading “CHECKS CASHED,” a beautifully sketched picture with the words, “Luxury Apartments Coming Fall 2009” sitting strategically between an abandoned building and the neighborhood’s staple #1 Chinese Food and Fried Chicken.
Double parked cars receiving honks that drivers don’t hear.
A group of three 20 year old men hanging out as young girls stroll pass hoping to be noticed while elderly women scurry by wanting to be ignored. A sweaty man carrying a tattered briefcase emerges from the underground and waits impatiently for the little walking figurine to cue him on.
Children being pulled by one arm while staring at a cluster of dirty blankets obviously hidden in front of a black-iron fence.
And then there are the intruders like me, absorbing it all and desperately wanting to relive my younger days. Wanting to understand why I love a smell that those who call it home don’t seem to even know exist.
Chicago was great.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
A Break From the Routine
It took me over an hour to fall asleep last night. In general I am not a quick sleeper and I am often angered by how much I want to be sleep. Instead there I am replaying my entire day, tossing a pillow this way, turning one that way, throwing one over there and listening to the loud bear-like steady breathing that happens as soon as my husband’s head hits the pillow.
However last night was a little different. Instead of replaying my day I played out my tomorrow (today)….including writing this blog. You see I am leaving for a 2.5 day trip to visit a friend and I needed to have a plan to ensure I would get all the necessary things done to make life easier for my husband and the girls.
So today I planned to scurry around the house doing laundry, planning menus, writing schedules, laying out outfits and cleaning. Yes all of this because I am taking a 2.5 day trip.
See its not that I don’t think my husband can manage. It’s the complete opposite; I know he can “manage.” It’s just that, well…
I know the girls will get dressed---the pants might be too short and the shirt may not match…
I know they will all eat—maybe a hotdog, a soda, and chips…
I know they will sleep-maybe not the 12 hours they need…
I know the dishes will get done-maybe one at a time, on an as needed basis…
YIKES! My stomach is in a knot just thinking about what the days may look like without me. If you are thinking that the problem is not my husband, you are correct! It’s not his problem, I know he will take care of the girls. The problem is well…he won’t do it like I will…I hate to admit it but I realize the problem is with me.
So in a feat to get over this control factor, you may be happy to know that:
I did not plan out outfits; they probably wouldn’t get worn anyway
I did not cook 2.5 days worth of food; it would all still be here when I returned,
I did not make a schedule; they will watch 50 movies and stay up til at least 10 regardless
and no matter what the house will for sure be a mess when I return
BUT without a doubt I know the girls will absolutely love spending this quality, undefined free time with the man they adore…their daddy! Let’s just pray that mommy can enjoy her time away knowing all the rules will be broken!!
However last night was a little different. Instead of replaying my day I played out my tomorrow (today)….including writing this blog. You see I am leaving for a 2.5 day trip to visit a friend and I needed to have a plan to ensure I would get all the necessary things done to make life easier for my husband and the girls.
So today I planned to scurry around the house doing laundry, planning menus, writing schedules, laying out outfits and cleaning. Yes all of this because I am taking a 2.5 day trip.
See its not that I don’t think my husband can manage. It’s the complete opposite; I know he can “manage.” It’s just that, well…
I know the girls will get dressed---the pants might be too short and the shirt may not match…
I know they will all eat—maybe a hotdog, a soda, and chips…
I know they will sleep-maybe not the 12 hours they need…
I know the dishes will get done-maybe one at a time, on an as needed basis…
YIKES! My stomach is in a knot just thinking about what the days may look like without me. If you are thinking that the problem is not my husband, you are correct! It’s not his problem, I know he will take care of the girls. The problem is well…he won’t do it like I will…I hate to admit it but I realize the problem is with me.
So in a feat to get over this control factor, you may be happy to know that:
I did not plan out outfits; they probably wouldn’t get worn anyway
I did not cook 2.5 days worth of food; it would all still be here when I returned,
I did not make a schedule; they will watch 50 movies and stay up til at least 10 regardless
and no matter what the house will for sure be a mess when I return
BUT without a doubt I know the girls will absolutely love spending this quality, undefined free time with the man they adore…their daddy! Let’s just pray that mommy can enjoy her time away knowing all the rules will be broken!!
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